Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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