My ? Is...... Would it be sweet or creepy to take a girl on a first date to chigago?
creepy.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
