it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
