i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
