I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
