I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
