Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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