this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
