The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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