I just threw up on my dentist
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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