in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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