her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
