"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
