It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
