i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
