We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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