oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
