I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
