I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
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