god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
