Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
