I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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