You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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