my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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