i already hear my dad disowning me
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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