The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
