Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
