i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
