Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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