I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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