haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
