She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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