I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
