Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
