dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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