i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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