We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
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My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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