Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
