i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
