if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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