he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
