Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
