This is not my ceiling
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You ruined the universe
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
