we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
