You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
it's like heaven, but drunker
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
