guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
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