You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
