He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
