Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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