I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
