She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
My ATM looks so different sober.
We had to coat check the pizza.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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