u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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