so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
