Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
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