know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
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Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
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She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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