I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
