She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
