The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
