someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
