Will you blow on my dice?
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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