Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
